2) People with an academic doctorate who make you call them, "Doctor."
3) Referring to an unoccupied house with a "For Sale" sign in the yard as, "a home."
4) Ordering chicken with the skin taken off in a restaurant.
5) Asking to see the "water list" in a restaurant.
6) Anyone who has ever said, "You need to let the wine 'breathe.'"
7) Referring to celebrities by their insider nicknames: E.g., "Well, if Schwartzie vetoes it, we're back to square one."
8) Referring to the car you drive by its brand name instead of just "My car...." E.g., "My 'Vette's in the shop..."
9) On supra, I guess it would be REALLY pretentious if your "'Vette" was a Chevette...
10) On supra, anyone who says "supra" when they could have said, "above."11) Americans who say, "Ciao."
12) Americans who pretend they are not Americans when they are in France. (Hey--I can understand that in, say, the Peruvian jungle...or anyplace with a strong Medellin Cartel presence...or downtown Tehran...but Paris?)
13) Anyone who has ever said, "We're trying to get pregnant..."
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4) Anyone who, upon hearing that you vacationed in Montego Bay, tells you you were "...almost to this really neat island and should have kept going a little farther south..."
15) "Synergize."
16) "The 'bottom line' is..."
17) Vanity plates.
18) Anyone who has ever said, "At the end of the day..." on a Sunday morning news show.
19) Driving a car that costs more than the house your parents bought for you to grow up in.
21) Whomever complained to Target that there were no diaper changing stations in the men's room until they put them in.
22) Bald guys with a pony tail.
23) Lawyers with tattoos. (And, well, pony tails...and lawyers with earrings...and lawyers--Let's just say when you were sworn in to be an officer of the court, you gave up your right to "be cool" in exchange for $500 an hour...)
24) Parking your new car diagonally to take up two spaces.
25) Monogrammed anything...
26) "In lieu of flowers, send your donations to..."
27) Scattering someone's ashes on something. (I'm not saying you are pretentious--but that was one pretentious mother that just croaked and requested that, is all I'm sayin'...I guess it doesn't cost anything so that is "affordable pretention." But something like Grant's Tomb: Now, that's what I call, "living"!)
28) "We make all our underwriting decisions based on a pre-constructed matrix..." (Saying "matrix" like it's something "macho" is both pretentious and ill-informed. "Matrix" sounds macho, but I looked it up and it means, "mother" in Latin. So unless your "mother" looks like Helen Mirren in Caligula, a "matrix" isn't that cool.)
29) Anyone who has ever said, "You might wanna tuck that in..."
30) A vehicle in a "designer package edition" signed by a dude that should stick to signing his name on the ass of some over-priced jeans, e.g., "Ford Explorer--The Eddie Bauer Edition."
31) People who have more than three sets of initials on their business cards after their name. E.g., "Dr. Richard Noe: LLB, JD, LLM, SJD." (Although if I had it to do over again, I must admit that I would get an LLB in a British school. That's a lot of mileage off of a bachelor's degree. I mean, even the most pretentious bastard in the world doesn't say, "Richard Noe, BA." The Brits probably make it really freakin' hard to get a degree like that unless you get it on some ratty-assed island in the Caribbean or something. Which would be work, in and of itself...)
32) Accepting an award for lip-synching in a Rock or Hip Hop video on a video awards show.
33) "Pretentiously unpretentious": Sports commentators who deliberately avoid the subjunctive tense, e.g., "If he completes this pass, it's a whole new ball game" and "If they win in Detroit, it's Super Bowl time."
34) Women with hyphenated names; e.g., Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. (How come they never made fun of that on "Seinfeld"?)Nota bene: I once knew a man with a hyphenated name. He was in politics. Somehow, the republic survived.
35) People who say, "This is an historic occasion." When people say that, it is usually not a historic occasion anyway, so it is "compound pretentiousness."
36) People who pronounce the "T" in the word, "often." 37) People who jog in place at traffic lights at crosswalks and check their pulse by holding their wrist while they jog in place.
38) Straight people who say, "Don't go there!"
39) Lance Armstrong wannabees who ride bikes in Spandex and Alien helmets.
40) People who drive stick shifts for any other reason than fuel economy.
41) I was gonna say "People who give their female offspring paternym first names, like 'Mckenzie' and 'Madison,'" but that practice is so widespread now I am goin' Switzerland on this one...
42) Painful, contrived usage of non-sexist language, esp. generic feminine pronouns; e.g., "Under the Workperson's Compensation laws of this state, should a sheetmetal installer drop her tungsten steel bolt remover on her foot, any psychological injury that she experiences must be accompanied by a direct physical injury to her person..."
